My Most Boring Race? - Chris Nellins

My most boring race?  Running  a marathon inside a top security prison. [Long Lartin, for those of you who’ve done bird or have an Egon Ronay attitude to these places].  Round……and round…..and round the exercise field , 53 laps to be precise.
Dog handlers and cons for spectators, the occasional bark or snarl for encouragement – and not always from the dogs.  Duck beak high wall and razor wire for distraction.  Control Room cameras recording every lap for posterity…..”ooh, I’m on the telly Mum”.

It seemed a good idea some months before.  Some soft centered murderer had the bright idea of running a marathon for charity.  The Governor ruled out the local road circuit suggested……so exercise field it had to be.  All were serving 5 years or more so plenty of time to prepare and limited scope for performance reducing distractions of wine and women.

Need to fit in with lock up periods forced an 8am start.  Off we shuffled.  The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner.  Part tarmac path, part grass with soft patches bequeathed by overnight drizzle.  Thoughts of escape?  No, but musings on why mass murderers seemed faster than robbers, and fraudsters quicker than GBH merchants taxed the grey cells.  The IRA man just pounded out the miles…..gritty satisfaction at sticking one more on the Brits?  Me, I had a ding-dong with a giant doing 16 years for robbery and GBH….unsure whether to tactically fall back to a noble defeat lest he take the hump and see me later.

Enjoyable?  No. Satisfying…sort of.  Worth doing porridge for?  No!  Did I do it again the next year?  Yes!  Oh, the things you do in the hope of release.
Parting thought.   Sign up for London and mix with a better class of criminal.